Leeeeaaaving on a jetplane...

So I'm off for the summer in a few days and I'm having mixed feelings about the whole thing. I guess that's what happens to me every time I leave somewhere, even if it's just temporary. When I go home, I don't want to leave. When I'm here...well...more often than not I don't really care about leaving because I know I'll be back because this is where I live now. Normally I'm just excited about seeing my family. This time though, it's a little different I guess.

You could call it bad timing. You could call it bad judgement. You could call it pretty much anything you want really but...I'm not so psyched about going away this time. I mean, I'm still excited. And I'm sure this summer is going to be great and the job is gonna be a really good experience but, part of me still wants to stay here. Weird.

Oh well, whatever. This is my life I suppose. It's strange. I'm so used to moving. Me and my friends are so used to saying goodbye because we do it all the time. I've gotten used to being away from my family and only seeing them once or twice a year for a short time. Every person I've dated knows that I'll leave for months at a time to go home and while I'll miss them and I'll be sad to say goodbye, I'll still be happy that I'm going. It's strange because no matter how "used to it" I am...I still get a bit mopey before I leave any place, be it here or home. I still wish that I was one of those people whose family lived down the street and who still lives in the same city as her closest friends. I realize that I'm really lucky in a sense as well. I've been places that most people only dream about. I'm so used to 20 hour plane rides that flying cross country isn't much different than taking a drive down the street to me. I have more stamps in my passport than most of my friends here combined. I'm "worldly" (or at least that's what the woman who interviewed me said.) But still. Eh...I dunno. I guess the grass is always greener or whatever.

I'm babbling...and that didn't really make any sense...maybe 40%. Blargh...okay...I should sleep. More things to take care of tomorrow. Wheee...I'm so busy and important.

What means life?

It has come to my attention in recent weeks that my social life (if you could call it that) has gone from small to non-existent. I realized this this past Friday when my roommate came home from a night of drinking with his friends and found me sitting on my bed, surrounded by papers and books, trying to finish off some of the work I have due over the two weeks. B just looked at me and said "You're working on a Friday night?!" followed by a small *you're so pitiful* headshake. Now, this NEVER happens. Normally I'M the one coming home and doing the headshake! I'm the one who makes the comments about not having a life because work/WoW. The world has ceased to make sense to me.

On the brightside, I've finished most of my work. One of my project due dates got pushed back a week so that takes a load off my mind. And I've finished 3 of the 5 other major final projects I have due. I've also finished all of my presentations. So...this means I only have 3 things left and then I'm done with this semester! Yessss!! I mean...I do have to actually present my presentations but whatever...that's easy.

Friends are visiting in a few days. I'm more than excited. If I was any more fucking excited I would explode. And then there would be a mess at work and someone would have to clean it up. Speaking of messes, work was a mess today too. I almost punched an undergrad. It was great. Or not. She deserved it though, I swear.

Okay...I'm babbling. I've drank too much coffee today. Makes me write like I have ADHD...which I might have but whatever. Okay...gotta look productive now...

Blah...

So tired...
*Yawn*...I am exhausted. Why am I awake blogging instead of sleeping? Good question. I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping the last couple of days, more than my regular insomnia. I'm not really sure why. I slept at almost 5 am yesterday and somehow woke up at 830. I dunno what's going on with me. I've been feeling sad and just blah since Monday. And while my conscious self doesn't seem to give a rats ass about the work I need to do, I think my subconscious cares because every time I fall asleep I dream about failing grades or panic attacks the night before some major project is due.

I dunno...I'm just blah. It probably has something to do with the weather too. It's been so crappy lately I don't even remember what the sun looks like. I heard this weekend is gonna be really nice though. Too bad I'll be sitting indoors taking a test for most of it. Ah well, such is the life of a wannabe teacher.

I've also been reading a lot about the VA Tech shootings which probably isn't helping my mood either. I just can't seem to grasp how someone could be so filled with hate and so completely delusional that they could commit such an atrocity. This just displays the darker part of human nature that I prefer to pretend doesn't exist. I mean, sure, me and my friends tease each other about being terrible or horrible or going straight to hell all the time but we would never HURT anyone. I mean, what kind of person can take a loaded gun and shoot a bunch of innocent individuals and think that somehow, they're a martyr or that they have no choice but to do this. It doesn't make any sense to me.

Though, while this event showcased the worst part of human nature, it also brought out some of the best. I keep thinking about that 76 year old professor, the Holocaust survivor, who barricaded the doorway when the gunman was approaching so that his students could get away. That in itself is not only an act of exceeding courage but one of complete selflessness as well. I think of professor Liviu Librescu and he restores my faith in humanity.

I'm totally babbling right now. I guess that's relatively normal for me though. I just feel...blah. I can't wait until May 5th. Only a few more weeks! Yessss!

Late night ponderings...

It's about 2:20 am right now and instead of sleeping...I'm doing my usual over thinking schtuff. This is probably why my friends think I'm mildly neurotic...the inner monologue just never shuts up!!

What am I thinking about? The past, the present, the future...how they're different, how they're the same. Mostly though, I'm thinking about the past. About the people I knew who aren't around anymore, or the ones who are far away, the people who changed me whether they meant to or not. Yes, I'm being pathetic. You can punch me now Pete.

Who do you want to be?

I feel like we spend a good portion of our lives wondering what we're going to be when we grow up. It ranges from the general ("I'm going to get married" or "People suck, I'm gonna be a hermit") to the specific ("I want to be a rockstar" or "I dislike working, thus I will live in my parents' basement for the rest of my life") and encompasses everything from career choice ("Hey guise! I think I want to be a professional wrestler") to location ("I like Boston...it has Irish people and lots of beer") to marital status ("Mormons have the right idea...polygamy is the way to go"). You spend a lot of time pondering all these different elements of what you want to be when you grow up and all of a sudden, seemigly out of nowhere, you wake up one morning and oh shit...you're grown up.

I have that "Oh shit" moment several times a year at least. After I graduated from college they began occuring more frequently making me wonder if perhaps, I've become overly neurotic in my old age. I've always been the analytical type but in the past, my analytical powers were focused more on relationships and understanding other people. Now they are firmly set on the future and what the hell I'm going to be doing with my life five years from now.

I've never been the type to worry about money. I guess that stems from the fact that I've never HAD to worry. Growing up, we weren't rich but we were definitely better off than a lot of people. We lived within our means and never wanted for anything. Now that I'm relatively on my own (not completely because school is expensive!) and my dad is getting older, I worry more about it. I don't like asking my parents for help because I know my dad is getting close to retirement and my parents are trying to re-earn the money they spent on my brother's and my higher education costs. As a result, I'll work any job just to make ends meet. Gone are the days where I thought about what job would make me happy and help me feel like my life meant something. Now it's, go to work even if you hate it and maybe tomorrow you'll find the job of your dreams. I can't decide if I'm being practical or overly materialistic.

Okay...this post didn't make any sense. Whatever...I'm at work. I think it kills braincells...

Horrible people?

We members of the Dysfunctional Family call one another "horrible" on a daily basis. In fact, we have been called horrible by people outside of our little family who have witnessed how we relate to one another and the world at large. However, I think this description is grossly inaccurate. We're not horrible. I mean, it's not like we talk about how someone can't get a job at Denny's because her fat ass will knock things off a table 5 feet away (Kat) or ponder ways to kill babies (Maya). It's not like we call people disease ridden whores when we play them in Mario Kart (Ben) or talk about hitting bums with our cars (Julie). We would never name our friends' large breasts Chublets (me) nor would we accuse anyone of molesting a chinchilla (Kim). We're not driven by spite (Jose) and we don't come up with names like "Katouchmes" or "Kachoogas" for the twins of another large breasted friend (Kyle). We don't give each other nicknames like BJ or chlamydia ridden whore. We don't spend our time laughing at the dumbasses on "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader" or making catty comments about the contestants on America's Next Top Model. We would never say "I wonder what it's like to be stupid" or joke about breaking up with someone over text message. We do not call people "tranny girlfriend" or "fat cow". We are clearly not horrible!

...Okay, I lied. We are horrible. At least we don't drown puppies.

Every time you think of ridding society of us...think of this kitten. We're just as cute. Promise.

*EDIT* Okay, I JUST realized that the picture I had up of the really cute kitty is no longer a photo of a kitty. Whoops...Thanks Froggy for pointing it out.

Weekend Update (I know how excited you are)

Despite the bad weather, this weekend was both fun and tiring (it's funny how those two adjectives go hand in hand). I learned two important things about myself: 1) I am not a very patient person and 2) If you're playing beirut, you want me as your partner. I'm pretty exhausted right now but here's a quick run down.

Friday was spent mostly avoiding the snow (work was canceled so I lucked out) and cleaning the apartment. I have to say, it looks much nicer now than it did 2 days ago and feels much more cozy/homish than it did before. My room still looks like a clothing store exploded in it but whatever. Some things can't be helped. =P

On Saturday I woke up super early (8 am...hey, that's super early for me!) and headed over to Jenneen's for her St. Patty's day brunch. I forgot how difficult it is to walk in the snow (going to SF for a weekend has apparently spoiled me) so by the time I got to the T stop I was not only soaking wet but pretty pissed off as well. Luckily, the day got exponentially better from then on. Jenneen's party was awesome. Good food, lots of beer, old friends. I think I played something like 7 beirut games between 11 am and 7 pm and drank a lot of green beer. It was nice to see some of the old Tufts faces as well as meet some new people. I'm not normally very social but, I dunno, yesterday was different. I was downright outgoing. Didn't know I had it in me. Haha. I came home relatively early (probably about 10 pm) and passed out. I was gonna go out later that night and drink more at Tufts but I was pretty beat (and all the cab numbers I called were busy).

Sunday, I slept in. Did a bunch of chores, bought some stuff for the apartment, cooked dinner...y'know the usual. Then I headed to the Thirsty Scholar for trivia...which didn't end up happening tonight but we sat around and talked anyway. Strangely, even though I downed two cups of coffee there, I'm still really tired. I think my body is telling me I'm too old for partying.

Anyway, this weekend was good. It sucks that Spring Break is over (though, I guess I didn't really have much of one since I was working all week) but...eh, what can you do right? You could sleep I guess...which is probably what I'm gonna do right now.