I'm still alive!

Wow..I haven't posted here in awhile. I guess I've been blogging more on myspace but this place provides more anonimity since...well...not as many people know about it. It makes it easier to be honest on things that most people don't know about (or have stopped checking since I haven't written in awhile).
A lot has happened in the last few months and a also not much. Probably doesn't make sense but then again, I tend to not make that much sense for the most part. I started school again and it's been difficult transitioning from work back to school. I'm not used to having homework or papers to do. I find my eyes glazing over in a lot of my classes as my professors drone on and on about useless things. I think the only way to learn to teach is to actually do it. And sometimes I listen to my classmates and I can pinpoint which ones have never been in a classroom before. It makes me crazy sometimes listening to them. But I hold my tongue...for the most part.
Living with B has been good. We compliment each other perfectly because all the things I hate to do (aka-dishes) he doesn't mind doing and all the things he hates to do (aka-cleaning the bathroom) I don't mind doing so we stick to our respective chores.
I've been thinking a lot about my ex lately. Or as he's been called more recently "he who's name we shall never ever mention ever (especially not in front of mom)." I'm not entirely sure why. He was a dick. An abusive, idiotic, unmotivated dick. But I've been thinking about him lately after how many years of not seeing, talking, or hearing from him. Maybe it's because his birthday is coming up. Or maybe it's just because my mind has been wandering to weird things lately. I'm considering sending him an email. Am I crazy? And more importantly, would he respond? And if he didn't, would I care? All these questions...stupid brain.
Things have been good so far though. I've been keeping busy and it's been great living with someone again. Makes me happy when there's someone to cook for or someone who will cook for me when I get home late from class.
One last question before I go...should I go sky diving? I can't decide...

Back in Boston on Friday afternoon. Apparently there's a shitload of crap on my living room floor because B was too lazy to move it into his room. Anyone have a place for me to sleep? Or at least watch TV?

Also, I need someone to help me stay awake so I don't succumb to jetlag and find myself unconscious at 8 pm and awake at 4 am. Volunteers? I'll pay in cookies.

I think I have bad luck...

I've been having some really shitty luck with planes this trip. First my flight out of Detroit was delayed 4 hours. Now, I'm sitting here in Ninoy Aquino International Airport waiting for my flight to KL to board...3 hours later than it was supposed to. Le sigh...I've been sitting in this airport for oh...5 hours now. I'm not what you would call chipper. I'm also still jetlagged so all I want to do is sleep...but this chair is awfully hard and metal and uncomfy so that's a no go.

At least there's internet. I'm not entirely sure whose I'm stealing but whatever. Gives me something to do...or at least an outlet to complain to. =P If there's anything I hate more than flying, it's flying alone. On the plane I normally just sleep or isolate myself in my own little IPOD, trashy magazine, stupid movie world. But while I'm waiting in the airport...I get so bored by myself. And you see all these people travelling together and it's just depressing. I wish I had someone to talk to :(

I met up with W last night for some yosi and beer. It was fun catching up and what not though I was ready to go to bed at around 9. He arrived at 830. =P We were talking about our friend in the army and how he's slowly losing his mind (the army is not for everyone...) and W said something about how me and army boy are meant to be. Apparently he's just waiting for both of us to wake up and confess our undying love for one another. If that happens I will be very very shocked. My parents will be happy though. =P They either want me to marry him or they'll just adopt him...something like that.

Hmmm...there's a really hot guy on my flight. Mmmm...eye candy. What if I strategically position myself in...um...the aisle of the plane...and...yeah...I got nothing. I just like to look anyway. I'm not really the type to hit on guys I don't know. And when I hit on guys that I do know, I'm mostly kidding. Mostly.

Blaaaahhh...I just want to get on this plane. So I can take a nice long nap. Hmm...I'm also hungry...what to do what to do. Guess I'll stop my bitching and watch the hands of the clock move. Only 45 minutes left!

My flight was delayed 4 hours. 4 fucking hours. Not only that, I was already on the plane so the flight that was supposed to be 13 hours turned into 17. It's almost 3 am here...I just got home. Was supposed to be in at 10 pm. Woohoo...

I also couldn't find my car. I think my memory may be failing me in my old age. Anyway...to all those out there in internet land, yes, I am still alive. Hooray for me!

Long day. Drank too much wine. I don't even like wine. But I drank it anyway. I'm tired...I don't even know why I'm still up...

As predicted, my lost ID has come back to bite me in the ass...le sigh...

Huh...I haven't been that mean in a long while. It's kinda refreshing. Hah...yeah...I'm not used to being mean. But he deserved it, I promise. His email was much worse...and contained pictures of a graphic nature that have officially scarred me for life. *Shudder*...

I guess maturity doesn't come with age.

People have to learn not to piss me off...

Dear 41 year-old asshole, (not his real name but that is what he shall be known at forever more)

Excuse me, I don't think I addressed that email to you. Are you so pathetic that you need to spend your time breaking into other people's inboxes? You want to see a loser? Look in the mirror jackass.

Now, I wasn't going to get in the middle of all this since it has nothing to do with me but since you so kindly addressed your lewd, immature, completely uncalled for email to me, I feel the need to respond. And unlike __________, I'm not above making below the belt remarks. Scratch that, I'm not above making below the belt remarks when I'm dealing with scum like you.

I like how you use the term "loser" so frequently in your email. Maybe you need to work on your vocabulary a bit. But you're right, between the two of us, I'm definitely the loser. I mean, I'm young, have my whole life ahead of me, and have many people in my life who care about me. You, all you have to look forward to is losing your hair and having your kids grow up hating you because of what you did to their Mom. Clearly, I am the loser.

Don't email me again. And do us all a favor and stay out of ___________ life. She deserves someone much classier than you.

Sincerely,
T

PS--I hear you have a small dick. Clearly I am the loser again.

I just talked to J for an hour. Umm...hrrmm...it's problematic when everyone's name begins with the same letter. Let's call him JD...I just talked to JD for an hour. I haven't spoken to that kid in ages. He was the high school boyfriend. First ever person I really cared about. It's funny how similar we are. When we talk, we relate so well just because we're on the same wave length. Granted we're both very different now than we were in HS. But it's strange that that part of our relationship with one another hasn't changed. It was nice talking to him. And it's nice that he still worries about me and checks up on me even though it's been 5 years since we were together. Mm...fond memories.

Alcohol does the body good

It's almost 1 am, I'm sitting in my apartment, drinking and blogging by myself. I'm hoping the alcohol will help me sleep. I think this is how alocholism starts...ah well. Though, knowing my history with drinking and trying to sleep this weekend it's probably not the best idea.

On Friday, I went out with a couple of friends in Brighton and drank. And then came home and proceeded to drink more. Let's just say I managed to get myself pretty inebriated. And then, I tried to sleep. But sleep was unfortunately not forthcoming. I spent the next few hours lying in bed like a goober, feeling depressed, drunk dialing people at 3 am hoping someone would pick up and talk to me. I guess it's good no one picked up. I was in a fragile state of mind and chances are, things I would have said would have come back to bite me in the ass. I eventually fell asleep...and miraculously didn't wake up with a hangover. Hurrah. But yeah...it was stupid. But I apparently don't learn from my mistakes.

Yesterday, J told me that I had a negative attitude about things. While I don't think that's true in general...I guess it IS true in relation to the whole going to NY situation. If you don't know about it, don't stress...I promise I haven't gone back to my standing on street corners in NY lifestyle. Haha...yeah, I have a strange sense of humor. But back to the topic. I guess I have been having a bit of a negative attitude about it all. And maybe I need to stop that. Because, it's not about me. And it could be much worse than it is. I mean she could be a bitch. But she's not, and I love her...so...yeah. Count my blessings I guess. And it'll be nice to visit and what not. And if anything, I owe it to him to be happy about this. So I will smile until I really feel it.

Yeah, that probably didn't make sense to you unless you know the situation. But that's okay. It made sense to me. And as this is where I vent so I don't explode...that's all that really matters.

I've been watching a lot of movies lately...lots of crappy romantic comedies and the like. And though, for the most part I find them implausibly entertaining at best, I kinda wonder, do things like that happen in real life? I mean, not the ridiculous romantic scenarios that always end with the girl getting the guy or the guy getting the girl, but the romantic...umm...happenings? I can't think of the word right now. But I mean, do people really dance together in the rain? Are surprise romantic dinners really cooked by one person for another? Is coming home to an apartment lit with dozens of candles something that happens often? Do people really receive orchids from other people? Have I just lived an extremely deprived life? I wonder sometimes. I feel old in a lot of ways...but when it comes to things like this, I feel very young. Because I don't know the first thing about this shit. I mean, I've been in relationships, sure. I'm not sexually inexperienced. I've had boyfriends before and non-boyfriends and flings. But as far as romance? Yeah...not so much. But I'm content without it...Is that weird? Am I a weird girl? (E, don't answer that question, no one axed you anyway ;))

Yeah...I dunno...I think I've drank too much. I'm gonna go drunk dial people now...

Old friends...

I talked to A today...it's been literally years since I've spoken to him. It's funny...he's still the same. And when I talk to him, I'm still the same. I think my favorite line was "You're wonderful! (from what I can remember.:))" Ah...it's been a long time A...I'm hardly as wonderful now as I was.

There's some stuff on my mind that I unfortunately can't expand on. I think it's a proven fact that girls pop when they have secrets they can't share. So, there may be some clean up to be done when B moves in. Oh well...at least I don't have to clean it. Hah.

I haven't been sleeping well lately. I've been having nightmares. I dunno what's going on with that. I used to have them a lot in college...specifically sophomore year. But I was all fucked up then so I can understand that. But they're coming back now. Apparently last night I started flipping out and hitting J or something. I don't remember. What I remember is waking up terrified and not knowing where I was. It was all dark, I didn't even recognize J. It was like my mind was somewhere else. The strange thing is, I can't remember what the dream was about. I remember really vague things. Fire in particular. But I don't remember what happened in the dream or what scared me so much. I just remember being scared. Ehh...maybe tonight I'll fare better.

I've started running...yes...me...running. It's the second day in a row that I've done it and almost gone into cardiac arrest. Smoking and running do not go well together. I probably shouldn't smoke while I'm running. Haha...okay, I'm not that retarded. I save the smoking for before and after =P. I run late too...so my neighborhood is more than a little sketchy. Oh well...at least the creepy guys keep me running.

The word should...

If you know me at all..you know I despise the word "should". Seems like an odd thing to despise but I do...I don't think a word like that needs to exist really. It's difficult to explain. You do or you don't...there is no should. (Hehe...I keep thinking of that stupid IASAS forensics thing, "do or don't, there is no try" hehe...ah...I'm so random.) But it's more than just do or don't. It's will or won't. Or could or can't. But not should. Should is a useless word. I think I feel that way because choices, feelings (about ourselves and others), circumstances, everything in life is fluid. You may have chosen something now but that choice isn't going to bind you for the rest of your life if you don't want it to. You may be feeling one way now but that doesn't mean in a few months you'll be feeling the same way. Things change, people change. To use the word should denies that change. As though things are set in stone when they're not.

In other news...My parents are back from NK alive and well. I've gotten part of my children's story done. I have the theme from titanic stuck in my head. (I hate you Celine Dion!!!) I'm hungry. And I'm going to stop babbling now...carry on with your work days...

It's 3:51 am again. I'm awake watching Revenge of the Nerds and trying to convince my parents NOT to go to North Korea tomorrow. Yes, my parents want to go hiking in North Korea. Good plan? I think not. I've had a bad feeling about it all day. Tummy aches, chest hurts...and I tend to take my bad feelings pretty seriously. So...here's hoping my dad stops being stubborn...we'll see...

Insomnia is crap...

Yeah...it's 3:51 am...and I'm still awake. I swear, the less I have to do, the less I sleep. It's some weird sort of backwards logic.

Not working has been pretty tough on me. Yeah yeah, I know, having a vacation is a luxury most people don't have. I've heard it before...many times, from many people. But I function best when there's routine in my life. My therapist (no, I'm not a psycho...I was just uhh...confused =P) used to tell me that I needed to have some kind of routine so I don't get depressed. I haven't spoken to her in years (there comes a time when everyone needs to be without someone they pay to listen to them...) but that piece of advice has always stayed with me. Maybe that's why I nearly killed myself with activities in HS. Who knows...

I never thought I'd miss working honestly. Until I realized I have absolutely nothing to do with my time now. And I realize I get kinda annoying when I'm whining about being bored and not having anything to do (yes J and E, that was directed at both of you) but...ehh...I can't help it. I spend more time on the phone than is healthy (if cellphones really do cause tumors, I'm a goner) and I take walks with no real destination almost daily. But that's really about it. I am lame...it's true.

I was talking to my friend today and we were reminiscing about HS and all the crazy shit we used to do. It's strange, it feels like another life. It's like I was a different person back then. Not just because I was kinda insecure and possibly much more unstable but because it seemed like my personality was very different. I never really noticed myself changing because I guess it was gradual but I am very different now than I was. For one, I'm much less bitchy. My friends from back then can't imagine me being described as "too nice" but I am. I think the quote was "yeah, that still boggles the mind that T "oh shit, you're in the dog house now" G is too nice". K has a way of articulating things. Strange strange...

Perhaps the bitchy me needs to come back. It seems as though bitchy people get what they want more often than non-bitchy ones. At least that's what I remember. Must practice "whatever" look and tone of voice. Hrrmm...

Yes, I'm babbling...maybe it's time for bed...

Blah...

That's right...blah.

You ever have those days when you just feel like...I dunno...like you're worth nothing? Yeah...that's how I feel. As though no one would really notice if I wasn't here.

Yeah...that about sums up how I feel right at this moment.

*Sob*...

And the year is over...

I'm sadder than I thought I'd be...*sigh*...no more little kiddies. Whatever will I do with my time?

It's dawning on me that this is my last week working here. On the one hand, I'm happy I won't have to wake up at 6 am anymore. I'm not a morning person. But on the other hand, I know I'm gonna miss the kids a lot. I know I bitch about them but...I love my job and the kids are a huge part of that.

To steal a line from D, "How will I feel loved without a cute small person to sit in my lap everyday?"

I suppose I could get myself into a functional relationship for once in my life. Hahahahahaha...like that'll ever happen. Okay, maybe that statement isn't quite that funny. But still. Ha. I laugh at my life. It's much easier that way.

Stress...

I've realized that when I'm really really stressed out, it shows less than when I'm only moderately stressed out. When I'm really stressed out I tend to look completely fine. Maybe more tired than usual but generally of the same or similar temperment as I am normally. That is, before I completely crack and have a nervous break down which manifests itself in one of three ways:

1. I become irrationally depressed and start feeling like a useless waste of space while chain smoking myself into oblivion.

2. I become extremely emotional, the littlest of things make me cry. I'm not much of a crier so I've come to the conclusion that my tear ducts only respond to stress.

3. I get really angry at something really small and stupid and then to deal with that, go out with my friends and get completely hammered and wake up the next morning not knowing why I'm lying on the floor of the bathroom.

Hopefully none of these 3 thins will happen. Can't say for sure though. I'm definitely feeling some pressure and as far as my usual outlets for stress (volleyball, sex, playing piano, bitching to girlfriends, etc.) go, they are for the most part absent from my life at this point for one reason or another. Hopefully, if and when I crack, I'll be at home and not at work. I can completely see myself scarring a bunch of 6 year olds for life with one of my outbursts. Go me. =P

May Day

Uggghh...I feel icky. If it weren't May Day I would have stayed in bed. It was awfully inviting but...there's a huge concert today and kids would be upset if I wasn't there to see it, AND there's a faculty appreciation luncheon and...booo. At least I hide my feeling crappiness well. It's a dress day so I had to get all...dressy. It's fine but I'm kinda unused to walking in stilettos. Hopefully I won't break my ankle. That would just make things a whole lot worse.

Oh well, at least it's early dismissal today. I look forward to eating good food and possibly partaking in some tequila (yes, there's gonna be tequila at the faculty luncheon. Mmm....tequila.) And then going home and sleeping for a week. Hurrah...

*Yawn*...

I am so tired. I went to see Silent Hill last night (or perhaps the correct description would be, I was tricked into seeing Silent Hill last night) and then had a horrible time trying to sleep. I fell asleep fine. But all night there were images of little girls bursting into flames while saying "I'm burning" dancing through my head. I'm a wuss...what can I say? Something tells me I'm not gonna get much sleep tonight either. I cry. I need someone to sleep in my bed and protect me from all the evil boogey man type creatures I think.

"Remember then that there is only one important time, and that time is now. The most important one is always the one you're with. And the most important thing is to do good for the one who is standing at your side. For these, my dear boy, are the answers to what is most important in this world. This is why we are here." -The Three Questions by Jon J. Muth

I learn so much from children's books...

What day is it again?

Back at work. Back to wasting time.

Getting out of bed this morning was physically painful to me. Not only because I was exhausted but also because my back was hurting for some reason. I think I may have overexerted myself this weekend. Or maybe I slept in a weird position. Or maybe, I spend too much time sitting up at a computer. I think it may be the last one.

Much fun was had this weekend between dancing at 33 and riding a mechanical bull at the Liquor Store to playing WoW and watching Inside Man (which wasn't that great). I came to the conclusion at around 3 am on Saturday that I'm not built for partying. I was exhausted while everyone else was still raring to go. All I could think of was getting home and into my bed.

Also, I hate hanging out with obnoxious drunk people. They just ruin my night. Especially when they start fights with people and then accidentally elbow me in the stomach while they're fucking around. That pisses me off. It also pisses me off when they call my brother useless when they themselves have recently been fired and are now between jobs. Yes, all these things piss me off. Maybe that explains the heavy drinking that took place on Saturday. If you have to hang out with someone you don't like, might as well be as drunk as you possibly can be.

Racial Confusion?

So my boss asked me to meet one of the intern candidates interviewing for next year at the brookline village T stop today and bring her to school. She told me that the candidate's name was Alice and she was a young African American lady. So I get to the T stop and I'm standing there waiting for this person. No one around the T stop fits the description and it was 5 minutes past the time we were supposed to meet. So I'm standing there, mildly confused, concerned I'm going to be late for work AND because of me, someone is going to miss their interview. All this time, there's a girl standing a couple of feet away from me who kept glancing at me. Finally, she comes over to talk to me. Turns out, she's Alice. But there's one catch. She's WHITE.

I think perhaps my boss was misinformed...

With every day that passes I become more and more anxious about the future. The term "losing it" seems to fit this situation nicely.

Boo Monday!

Even though I spent the majority of this past weekend acting as a complete and total waste of space, I'm still very much upset that it's Monday again. I can't even remember WHAT I did this weekend...it was that uneventful. I think I may have gone out to an overpriced bar at some point and I'm pretty sure I spent $135 on a bunch of things I don't need. But really, it's a blur. I think the 6 hours I spent playing video games robbed me of many a brain cell. Ah well...it was fun.

As of the moment, I'm drinking some tea, trying to calm myself down after a self-induced panic attack. The words "future", "visa", and "deported" tend to bring about familiar feelings of light headedness, hyperventilation, and overall anxiety. And, they make me want to bite my nails. Which makes no sense because I'm not an anxious nail biter...It's one of the few bad habits I didn't pick up. But anyway, with the future looming in the distance and still no word from grad school...I'm starting to panic. I can't help thinking about "what ifs" and we all know how great that is for my sanity.

...This tea isn't working. What I need is a nice strong drink. 151 anyone?

haha...hilarious. I can't believe I've never seen this before!

I've decided that baby penguins look like really short, really furry, fat people. Only cuter.

Yeah, I decided to watch March of the Penguins last night. It was cute. Painfully so.

To answer your question E: You're gay.

Hooray for Friday.

Goodness, what a splendid idea honey! I'll supply the chips!

It occured to me yesterday that the best way to be broken up with is for the other person to suddenly realize they were gay. Not like "Because of you, I'm gay" sort of thing. But just like, something that they had considered but weren't sure about and suddenly, in an all encompassing moment of clarity, a voice ripped through their consciousness, proclaiming, "I'm gay." I mean, if they're gay and they say "it's not you, it's me." It's kinda true. I mean, it's not your fault you're not the same sex as them. Also, they've realized a truth about themselves, and you've realized a truth about them, and no one's feelings need to be hurt in the process. I guess there's always the possibility that you might think that something about you made them realize they're gay. ("Omg, I'm so disgusting that I turned him off women for good!") But I hope most people have enough common sense to know that there's no way that could be true.

I'm not exactly sure what got me thinking about that. I have come to the conclusion that I may have ADD...or at least my work self has ADD because I can't help but think about the most ridiculous things in order to entertain myself. If this weren't a year long position, I'm sure this "condition" would get me fired eventually. Oh well.

I had my last workshop of the year today. It was mildly productive but it made me realize my incapability when it comes to organizing my thoughts verbally. I was trying to explain a lesson plan I had done about the Yanomami Indians of Brazil and how I'm going to use this unit to help my kids with their writing skills and their ability to take away the important facts from the books we read while not giving a whole lot of attention to the peripheral facts. Needless to say, I kept getting flustered and repeating myself. Apparently I don't deal too well with giving presentations to adults. I guess that's one of the reasons I want to be a teacher. Having to deal daily with other adults in a corporate setting would provide too many opportunities for me to embarrass myself and showcase my incompetance. Go me.

Can't wait to go home this afternoon. Perhaps I shall watch more Firefly. Perhaps I shall watch March of the Penguins instead. Or perhaps, I shall amuse myself with more...uhh...physical activities. Hehe...

Dirty mind? Who me? Never...

So there's this boy in my class. Let's call him Chubby. Chubby is one of the most spoiled, self-centered, bratty kids in the entire classroom. BUT he also produces some of the best work and, for the most part, doesn't put up too much of a fight about completing work (unlike some of the other kids). So now I feel kinda bad for finding him so infuriating. Kind of...but not really.

Ugly Day

I'm having an ugly day I think. Now before you start saying shit like "You shouldn't be so down on yourself" or "A low self-esteem is so unattractive" let me clarify, I don't think I'm ugly. I'm just having one of those days where you feel less than thrilled every time you look in the mirror. I'm feeling green in fact. Must have something to do with the fact that my coat, my sweater, and the shirt underneath my sweater are all green today. I could have sworn this shirt was white when I picked it up this morning. My only excuse, rainy weather makes me colorblind.

I talked to my boss today. It seems like everyone is getting job offers/grad school acceptances except me. It's mildly depressing as well as encouraging at the same time. Hearing all this good news and having none to share of my own doesn't exactly feel awesome. But knowing that all my friends are getting into places makes me confident that I'll be joining their celebrations soon enough. But still...I hate waiting. In fact, waiting is second on the list of things I hate. It's right there under squash. Eew...squash...it's so...squishy...gross. But I digress...

I was going to go pick up WoW, Kingdom Hearts 2 (or Suikoden 5...haven't decided which one), and new mouse from Best Buy after work today but I realized that my first dvds from Netflix are coming in today. Hurrah! If anyone's interested in joining me for some episodes of Firefly or Coupling, let me know. Company is always appreciated.

Back In Hell

Haha...okay, I exaggerate. It's not so awful to be back. It's actually kind of nice. By kind of, I mean not really but I'm trying to be optimistic here. I do miss getting to sleep in until pretty much whenever I want, doing nothing all day, basking in the sun. But there are perks to being back here too. Namely...umm...ummm.....free food? Hah...okay...it IS nice to see the kids again even though many of them have been at home too long (I think they forget that I'm not their nanny/mother. "Can you put this away for me?" "Can you get that for me?" Umm...no...no I cannot.) but they're much more sedate than they were before we left for break. Thank God.

The last couple of days, I've really been doing a whole lot of nothing. My college sleeping habits seem to have returned to me (namely, being up at all hours of the morning bored and not sleepy). It caused a bit of a problem last night considering I woke up at 4 am and didn't really know what to do with myself. I ended up lying in bed staring at the ceiling for an hour and a half before falling asleep again. This means I'm more tired today than I should be but...oh well. What can you do?

The last couple of days have been nice in the sense that I got to revisit my college days in more ways than one. On Thursday I went to Powderhouse for karaoke night. I haven't been back there in ages. 2 pitchers of beer and a shot of whiskey and jack between P and me was definitely more than I should have drank but, quarters is so addicting! Friday was spent cooking with M and then wandering around Boston Common and Government Center together drinking rum and coke out of a plastic soda bottle discussing God knows what. It was a beautiful night. Saturday I spent back at school losing at beirut and, as a result, drinking too much again. Ah...college. Sunday was relatively uneventful, mostly I just spent the day dreading today. =P

Okay...time to do some work. Boo...

Thoughts on belonging

Last day at home. Is it still home? I'm not sure anymore. It's my last night and I'm sitting in the blistering hot contemplating the concept of belonging. I've always considered this home...but now, I dunno...
I feel it most when I'm out with my friends and everyone is speaking tagalog and what not. In those scenarios, I have two options: concentrate really hard so I can understand a majority of the conversation while forsaking the art of drinking heavily or drink heavily and forsake the art of conversation while saying "Ano?" (What?) "Hindi kita narinig." (I didn't hear you) every time someone tries to speak to me. Tagalog has never come naturally to me but it's so much harder now than it ever was. My closer friends know that it's difficult for me so they speak mostly in English with a bit of Tagalog sprinkled here and there for emphasis. But others...ehh...I'm just their retarded friend who can't speak pinoy.
It's not just the language too. It's also the culture. Even though I'm about the same age as most of my friends, I feel so much older. Maybe it's because my experiences have been so different from them but I feel this huge disparity when I talk to them.
Don't get me wrong, I love my family. I love visting them and seeing my cute as always but still overly demanding and loud baby cousin but I dunno...it doesn't feel like home anymore.
But...
Boston doesn't exactly feel like home either. So where does that leave me? I love Boston, I love the city and the overall atmosphere (despite the cold). I have enough friends to be satisfied but not too many to feel overwhelmed. Life is good. But I can't help but feel a little bit like an outsider. I guess it's because I'll always be a foreigner. Not just because of the way I look or the passport I carry or even the places I lived. Just because of how I am.
This probably doesn't make all that much sense to sane people. But I dunno...it's something I've been thinking about. Is belonging all that important? Or am I just over analyzing again? I can never be sure...

MWHAHAHA

I'm going home early...oh yes I am.

OH MY GOD...

I think I may snap...yes...it's true...these children have finally stolen my sanity. I've actually resorted to hiding in the bathroom just so I can have a moment of peace...sad sad sad.

Ramblings

First off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY 24th JIM! I hope your day is amazing =)

Moving along...on Monday, I said I wasn't sure if I was going to make it. Well, I didn't. I mean...well...I'm still alive, sure, but I had to miss a day of work (again...I'm so bad). I'm on antibiotics right now and let me tell you, they are a godsend. I feel 100x better than I did two days ago. I'm still a bit sick but really, I feel much much better.

Last night, K came to visit from San Diego. We went to dinner at Shabu-Zen in Chinatown. I highly reccomend it to anyone who likes Asian food. Mmm...hot pot, oh so yummy. She stayed the night with me and is heading to Amherst later tonight and maybe (hopefully) coming back to spend St. Patty's day with me too. Come on K, you know you want to ;). It was really good to see her...it's been awhile.

As of the moment, I'm subbing for a different first grade class. It's been going okay so far. They're definitely pretty rambunctious but I venture to say they're better behaved than my class. Knock on wood...it's only 11:02. Okay...time for math...

Testing testing...

Is this thing working???

I don't think I'm gonna make it...

10:16 am. 7 more hours of work to go. I cry. I feel absolutely horrible today. Unfortunately, I'm sick again. I had a brief respite of a week from sickness and then those germy kids got to me again. I can barely swallow anything (make a dirty comment and I'll kick you), I'm all congested, and for some reason my eyes are really sore and watery. Being at work is the last thing I wanted to do today. But I reasoned that spring break starts next week so this is the home stretch. I should be fine right? Wrong. This was the worst idea ever. Almost as bad as the spirit day idea...almost, but not quite.

Yes, it's pretty evident that I'm whining. Being whiny and needy when I'm sick is my forte. I'm one of those people who would just like to curl up in bed and have someone take care of me when I'm feeling crappy. Then again, I think most people are like that. I don't think I know anyone who thinks "Great! I'm sick and I can't wait to take care of myself!" But that's just my humble opinion.

This weekend was alright. I spent Friday in Medford eating a late dinner of french fries and fish sticks. I have to admit, I've never been a huge fan of fish sticks but after not eating them for about 5 years...it was a pretty nice change. The bad thing about Friday was sometime in the middle of the night, I got sick. And I stayed sick...ALL WEEKEND. BOO. But I digress.

On Saturday I stayed at home and slept a lot. Kinda sucked because I wanted to spend some of Saturday outside since it was so gorgeous but I was feeling like death so getting out of bed wasn't really an option. That night I played a lot of video games by myself and then a lot of video games with a certain wasted individual who STILL managed to beat me at Soul Caliber III. I need a new strategy. Winning by distracting may be in order.

Sunday was spent mostly at home delivering water and bagels to the same individual who also happened to be hungover the day after. Then I headed over to Medford again and watched Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy and Corpse Bride. I didn't really like either of them. Though, of the two I'd say I liked Corpse Bride better. Hitchiker's Guide was just nonsensical in my humble opinion. Though, I did like the song with the dolphins at the beginning. That in itself made the movie worth it. I didn't quite understand what happened at the end. Something about mice? I was a little distracted towards the end of the movie and totally not paying attention. I'm afraid I might have missed some important plot twist.

Okay...time to get back to work me thinks. Soooo....goodbye and thanks for all the fish....

Is it the weekend yet???

First off, I'd like to start off this post with one all encompassing statement that perfectly summarizes my state of mind at this very moment: Spirit day is the worst idea ever. EV-ER.
I mean, seriously, most of the bigger kids don't care and all it does is make the little ones hyper. I walked into the classroom this morning and some of the kids were standing on top of the tables screaming. I kid you not. Anyway, moving along.

I talked to my mom yesterday. Problems back home. Oy vey.

Celtics game was fun. I've come to the conclusion that I have a crush on Wally Szczerbiak (even though he was pretty awful last night) and that Paul Pierce rocks my world. That's the only thing you can say about a guy who shot a three pointer with 27 seconds left in the game to put the Celtics ahead by one, and consequently, secure the game for them. Yes, he rocks my world. It was a pretty good game. The seats were pretty tight and the company was great, so all in all, I conclude that a good time was had by all.

Last night, J told me not to be passive aggressive with him. Now, there might be a slight problem with that seeing as I've been passive aggressive for oh, the last 23 years. It's sorta become second nature to me so breaking away from that habit is going to be a challenge. I think there are quite a few reasons that I am the way I am. I mean, first off, I'm a girl and all girls are at least mildly passive aggressive. I think it's the estrogen or something. Secondly, the culture I was brought up in promotes passive aggressive behavior over outright aggressive behavior any day of the week. And thirdly, being passive aggressive is the best way to deal with my family considering, there's no way you're going to be able to yell over all those Filipino women. I've realized after living in a house with 5 of them (not including myself) that pouting works better. This isn't to say that I like the fact that I'm passive aggressive. In fact, it's one of my least favorite things about me. But I figure it's better than a lot of other things. Like being a complete psychopath. But that's just my humble opinion.

I was thinking last night about one of my past relationships. This particular relationship can be labeled in many different ways. Longest relationship ever. Most unhealthy relationship ever. Worst relationship ever. Stupidest boyfriend I ever had. (Okay, maybe that wasn't a label for the relationship per se.) It was strange that I was thinking about it since it's barely crossed my mind over the last 3 years. But I guess I was thinking about how fucked up human emotion can be and how suceptible we are to that stupid thing we call a heart. I mean, I look back on the relationship and I KNOW it was horrible. Not only was it midly codependent, it was also emotionally and physically abusive. If I had a dime for every time I was called a whore during that period of time...wow...I wouldn't have to work, that's for sure. But whatever. It's in the past and it's beside the point anyway. The point is, even though I realize how bad the relationship was and even though I look back on it now and shudder at how stupid I was, I know for a fact that while it was going on, I actually did love the bastard. I can't even remember why now. But I actually did. And it's very confusing. What the fuck was I thinking?? I guess the point was, I wasn't.

Yeah, this post was random. Lots of things on my mind I guess. Until next time...

Insane

This video is crazy...and also really cool. Took me embarrassingly long to find it again but whatever...here it is:

Smelly

Does anyone else find this kind of worrisome?

I mean, it makes sense to me why they want to ban fragrances, hell, I want to ban fragrances here just so I'm not choking on Axe body spray every time I walk down the Upper School hallway, but it's kind of disconcerting that it might actually be a neccessary precaution. I remember when I was in HS (which seems like a really really long time ago when in reality, it isn't). Sure, kids abused fragrances just like they do now, but there weren't any allergies or migraines triggered because of it. I feel like kids these days are a lot weaker than they used to be. I mean, when I go out for recess duty, I have to carry an EPI pen with me at all times because there are quite a few students in the lower school who have severe food allergies. I think a scary portion of the student population can't even touch a peanut without risking anaphylactic shock. There are actually signs around the lower school that say "Nut Free Zone". It's ridiculous! I know why the precautions are taken but I think it's kind of sad that it's neccessary TO take them.

Over analysis is my forte

Second post in one hour...wow, I've impressed even myself. But this time, I'm not bored, I'm introspective.

I talked to my mom on the phone last night and she was in fine form, as per usual. I think it's kind of odd that I have to listen to her gush about how much better my brother is than me on one night, and then listen to her complain about how irresponsible he is on another night. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother. I don't blame him for anything that my slightly neurotic mother says. But it's kind of difficult to not develop issues when you hear the words "Well you're just not as [insert positive adjective pertaining to intelligence or talent here] Mike." Or, on extremely good days (notice the sarcasm) I get "Well, you see, Mike has never failed before in his life and just isn't used to failing. For you it's happened so often that you know how to pick yourself up afterwards." Uhh...thanks? I think that started as a compliment and then went awry. But anyway...as I was saying...it's tough not to develop issues when you've been hearing stuff like that since you were, oh, 5. And for the record, I haven't failed that often...she exaggerates.

Anyway, the conversation I had with my mom got me thinking about what I consider success in life and whether or not I am happy with where I am at this point. I'm out of school and working but I'm still not completely independent. That bothers me. Sure, I'm still pretty young, but I know people who became independent at a younger age than I am now. But then I think about it, and what I'm doing right now is the best thing for me as far as starting on the path to a career in education. It just kind of sucks that it doesn't pay very much. It's not that I measure success with money, I really don't. In fact, I'd say I'm one of the last people who would ever do that. But I do think independence is a huge step that I haven't quite reached yet that I really do want to get to sometime in the very near future.

It's pretty evident that most of these thoughts are still very jumbled in my head. Sometimes I think I'm not doing enough and other times I feel like people should just lay off because I'm doing the best I can. I guess what it comes down to is whether or not I'm satisfied when I look in the mirror and see the person looking back at me. For the most part, I guess I am. Which is so different from a year ago. I guess I've matured in the sense that I've realized what is realistic to expect of myself and to let go of things that are totally out of my control. But despite all that, I still have my little neurotic moments where I freak out and start obsessing about all the things I'm not. I'm happy to say that those are fewer now than they've ever been.

I don't really know what the point of this post is...I guess I'm just proving that I think too much. But if you know me, you already knew that so...I guess I'm not telling you anything new or exciting. Too bad...I like exciting people.

...not that way...get your mind out of the gutter...

The Top of the Food Chain

You know what bothers me? Manipulative, sneaky, and selfish children. Actually, manipulative, sneaky and selfish people in general. But especially children. Because I feel like they shouldn't be that way since they're so young and supposedly so pure as well. I don't mind rowdy, goofy, or silly kids. Sure, sometimes they make the classroom a lot more chaotic and give you a headache with their extremely loud voices (children don't seem to understand that when you're standing right next to someone, there's no need to yell) but at the end of the day, they're just being kids. No harm, no foul. But if they lie. That bothers me. A lot. That is the quickest way to get on my bad side.

The sad thing is, it's probably those kids who bother me so much (aka- the sneaky ones) who are going to be at the top of the food chain so to speak when they get older. It might be a slightly depressing view of the world but I've noticed, the best way to get ahead is to manipulate situations, step on other people, and avoid the truth at all costs. I guess that's why I don't think I'd make it in corporate America. Not to say that I'm such a great person. I'm just incapable of being underhanded and manipulative because I'm too transparent. Most of the time you just have to look at my face to know exactly what I'm thinking or planning. In my experience, that has been much more of a curse than a blessing but who knows. Maybe there is someone out there who will find my transparency intriguing and not try to take advantage of it. Right...I'm not very optimistic.

They blocked xanga.....

I think they're onto me. Slowly but surely, the havens I have online that I reserve specifically for procrastination while I'm at work are being blocked. On Friday I was dismayed to find that they had blocked facebook. No more randomly poking people and/or looking at newly updated profiles. But I survived. I still had xanga. Until today. Bastards. So here I am...on blogspot. At least now my friends who see my blog and want to leave comments but don't want to join an online community can actually leave comments (unlike on xanga). That sounds like a more legitimate reason to switch...but really...I just need to waste time at work to make my day feel complete.

I've been feeling minorly retarded lately. It's sort of strange. I feel like I'm in some kind of haze. I think it's just leftover ickiness from when I was sick. The only other explanation is the 151 I drank on Saturday that could have possibly killed a few million of my brain cells. That's not too bad. They regenerate right? For some reason I have the urge to reassure myself with the words "don't worry, it'll grow back."

I'm gonna start my satined glass club at ASP today. The parents of my kids seem to think I'm some kind of artist. They are obviously too used to seeing 6 year old drawings because for the most part, I can't draw anything much more complicated than a stick figure. I do arts and crafts. Like basic stuff that I can teach 5-7 year olds how to do. An artist that does not make.

Blah...today is one of those days where I'm rethinking my desire to have children one day. If only smacking kids into next week were still allowed. I kid. But on some days (like today), I'm kidding less than usual. =P