Thoughts on belonging

Last day at home. Is it still home? I'm not sure anymore. It's my last night and I'm sitting in the blistering hot contemplating the concept of belonging. I've always considered this home...but now, I dunno...
I feel it most when I'm out with my friends and everyone is speaking tagalog and what not. In those scenarios, I have two options: concentrate really hard so I can understand a majority of the conversation while forsaking the art of drinking heavily or drink heavily and forsake the art of conversation while saying "Ano?" (What?) "Hindi kita narinig." (I didn't hear you) every time someone tries to speak to me. Tagalog has never come naturally to me but it's so much harder now than it ever was. My closer friends know that it's difficult for me so they speak mostly in English with a bit of Tagalog sprinkled here and there for emphasis. But others...ehh...I'm just their retarded friend who can't speak pinoy.
It's not just the language too. It's also the culture. Even though I'm about the same age as most of my friends, I feel so much older. Maybe it's because my experiences have been so different from them but I feel this huge disparity when I talk to them.
Don't get me wrong, I love my family. I love visting them and seeing my cute as always but still overly demanding and loud baby cousin but I dunno...it doesn't feel like home anymore.
But...
Boston doesn't exactly feel like home either. So where does that leave me? I love Boston, I love the city and the overall atmosphere (despite the cold). I have enough friends to be satisfied but not too many to feel overwhelmed. Life is good. But I can't help but feel a little bit like an outsider. I guess it's because I'll always be a foreigner. Not just because of the way I look or the passport I carry or even the places I lived. Just because of how I am.
This probably doesn't make all that much sense to sane people. But I dunno...it's something I've been thinking about. Is belonging all that important? Or am I just over analyzing again? I can never be sure...

MWHAHAHA

I'm going home early...oh yes I am.

OH MY GOD...

I think I may snap...yes...it's true...these children have finally stolen my sanity. I've actually resorted to hiding in the bathroom just so I can have a moment of peace...sad sad sad.

Ramblings

First off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY 24th JIM! I hope your day is amazing =)

Moving along...on Monday, I said I wasn't sure if I was going to make it. Well, I didn't. I mean...well...I'm still alive, sure, but I had to miss a day of work (again...I'm so bad). I'm on antibiotics right now and let me tell you, they are a godsend. I feel 100x better than I did two days ago. I'm still a bit sick but really, I feel much much better.

Last night, K came to visit from San Diego. We went to dinner at Shabu-Zen in Chinatown. I highly reccomend it to anyone who likes Asian food. Mmm...hot pot, oh so yummy. She stayed the night with me and is heading to Amherst later tonight and maybe (hopefully) coming back to spend St. Patty's day with me too. Come on K, you know you want to ;). It was really good to see her...it's been awhile.

As of the moment, I'm subbing for a different first grade class. It's been going okay so far. They're definitely pretty rambunctious but I venture to say they're better behaved than my class. Knock on wood...it's only 11:02. Okay...time for math...

Testing testing...

Is this thing working???

I don't think I'm gonna make it...

10:16 am. 7 more hours of work to go. I cry. I feel absolutely horrible today. Unfortunately, I'm sick again. I had a brief respite of a week from sickness and then those germy kids got to me again. I can barely swallow anything (make a dirty comment and I'll kick you), I'm all congested, and for some reason my eyes are really sore and watery. Being at work is the last thing I wanted to do today. But I reasoned that spring break starts next week so this is the home stretch. I should be fine right? Wrong. This was the worst idea ever. Almost as bad as the spirit day idea...almost, but not quite.

Yes, it's pretty evident that I'm whining. Being whiny and needy when I'm sick is my forte. I'm one of those people who would just like to curl up in bed and have someone take care of me when I'm feeling crappy. Then again, I think most people are like that. I don't think I know anyone who thinks "Great! I'm sick and I can't wait to take care of myself!" But that's just my humble opinion.

This weekend was alright. I spent Friday in Medford eating a late dinner of french fries and fish sticks. I have to admit, I've never been a huge fan of fish sticks but after not eating them for about 5 years...it was a pretty nice change. The bad thing about Friday was sometime in the middle of the night, I got sick. And I stayed sick...ALL WEEKEND. BOO. But I digress.

On Saturday I stayed at home and slept a lot. Kinda sucked because I wanted to spend some of Saturday outside since it was so gorgeous but I was feeling like death so getting out of bed wasn't really an option. That night I played a lot of video games by myself and then a lot of video games with a certain wasted individual who STILL managed to beat me at Soul Caliber III. I need a new strategy. Winning by distracting may be in order.

Sunday was spent mostly at home delivering water and bagels to the same individual who also happened to be hungover the day after. Then I headed over to Medford again and watched Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy and Corpse Bride. I didn't really like either of them. Though, of the two I'd say I liked Corpse Bride better. Hitchiker's Guide was just nonsensical in my humble opinion. Though, I did like the song with the dolphins at the beginning. That in itself made the movie worth it. I didn't quite understand what happened at the end. Something about mice? I was a little distracted towards the end of the movie and totally not paying attention. I'm afraid I might have missed some important plot twist.

Okay...time to get back to work me thinks. Soooo....goodbye and thanks for all the fish....

Is it the weekend yet???

First off, I'd like to start off this post with one all encompassing statement that perfectly summarizes my state of mind at this very moment: Spirit day is the worst idea ever. EV-ER.
I mean, seriously, most of the bigger kids don't care and all it does is make the little ones hyper. I walked into the classroom this morning and some of the kids were standing on top of the tables screaming. I kid you not. Anyway, moving along.

I talked to my mom yesterday. Problems back home. Oy vey.

Celtics game was fun. I've come to the conclusion that I have a crush on Wally Szczerbiak (even though he was pretty awful last night) and that Paul Pierce rocks my world. That's the only thing you can say about a guy who shot a three pointer with 27 seconds left in the game to put the Celtics ahead by one, and consequently, secure the game for them. Yes, he rocks my world. It was a pretty good game. The seats were pretty tight and the company was great, so all in all, I conclude that a good time was had by all.

Last night, J told me not to be passive aggressive with him. Now, there might be a slight problem with that seeing as I've been passive aggressive for oh, the last 23 years. It's sorta become second nature to me so breaking away from that habit is going to be a challenge. I think there are quite a few reasons that I am the way I am. I mean, first off, I'm a girl and all girls are at least mildly passive aggressive. I think it's the estrogen or something. Secondly, the culture I was brought up in promotes passive aggressive behavior over outright aggressive behavior any day of the week. And thirdly, being passive aggressive is the best way to deal with my family considering, there's no way you're going to be able to yell over all those Filipino women. I've realized after living in a house with 5 of them (not including myself) that pouting works better. This isn't to say that I like the fact that I'm passive aggressive. In fact, it's one of my least favorite things about me. But I figure it's better than a lot of other things. Like being a complete psychopath. But that's just my humble opinion.

I was thinking last night about one of my past relationships. This particular relationship can be labeled in many different ways. Longest relationship ever. Most unhealthy relationship ever. Worst relationship ever. Stupidest boyfriend I ever had. (Okay, maybe that wasn't a label for the relationship per se.) It was strange that I was thinking about it since it's barely crossed my mind over the last 3 years. But I guess I was thinking about how fucked up human emotion can be and how suceptible we are to that stupid thing we call a heart. I mean, I look back on the relationship and I KNOW it was horrible. Not only was it midly codependent, it was also emotionally and physically abusive. If I had a dime for every time I was called a whore during that period of time...wow...I wouldn't have to work, that's for sure. But whatever. It's in the past and it's beside the point anyway. The point is, even though I realize how bad the relationship was and even though I look back on it now and shudder at how stupid I was, I know for a fact that while it was going on, I actually did love the bastard. I can't even remember why now. But I actually did. And it's very confusing. What the fuck was I thinking?? I guess the point was, I wasn't.

Yeah, this post was random. Lots of things on my mind I guess. Until next time...

Insane

This video is crazy...and also really cool. Took me embarrassingly long to find it again but whatever...here it is:

Smelly

Does anyone else find this kind of worrisome?

I mean, it makes sense to me why they want to ban fragrances, hell, I want to ban fragrances here just so I'm not choking on Axe body spray every time I walk down the Upper School hallway, but it's kind of disconcerting that it might actually be a neccessary precaution. I remember when I was in HS (which seems like a really really long time ago when in reality, it isn't). Sure, kids abused fragrances just like they do now, but there weren't any allergies or migraines triggered because of it. I feel like kids these days are a lot weaker than they used to be. I mean, when I go out for recess duty, I have to carry an EPI pen with me at all times because there are quite a few students in the lower school who have severe food allergies. I think a scary portion of the student population can't even touch a peanut without risking anaphylactic shock. There are actually signs around the lower school that say "Nut Free Zone". It's ridiculous! I know why the precautions are taken but I think it's kind of sad that it's neccessary TO take them.

Over analysis is my forte

Second post in one hour...wow, I've impressed even myself. But this time, I'm not bored, I'm introspective.

I talked to my mom on the phone last night and she was in fine form, as per usual. I think it's kind of odd that I have to listen to her gush about how much better my brother is than me on one night, and then listen to her complain about how irresponsible he is on another night. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother. I don't blame him for anything that my slightly neurotic mother says. But it's kind of difficult to not develop issues when you hear the words "Well you're just not as [insert positive adjective pertaining to intelligence or talent here] Mike." Or, on extremely good days (notice the sarcasm) I get "Well, you see, Mike has never failed before in his life and just isn't used to failing. For you it's happened so often that you know how to pick yourself up afterwards." Uhh...thanks? I think that started as a compliment and then went awry. But anyway...as I was saying...it's tough not to develop issues when you've been hearing stuff like that since you were, oh, 5. And for the record, I haven't failed that often...she exaggerates.

Anyway, the conversation I had with my mom got me thinking about what I consider success in life and whether or not I am happy with where I am at this point. I'm out of school and working but I'm still not completely independent. That bothers me. Sure, I'm still pretty young, but I know people who became independent at a younger age than I am now. But then I think about it, and what I'm doing right now is the best thing for me as far as starting on the path to a career in education. It just kind of sucks that it doesn't pay very much. It's not that I measure success with money, I really don't. In fact, I'd say I'm one of the last people who would ever do that. But I do think independence is a huge step that I haven't quite reached yet that I really do want to get to sometime in the very near future.

It's pretty evident that most of these thoughts are still very jumbled in my head. Sometimes I think I'm not doing enough and other times I feel like people should just lay off because I'm doing the best I can. I guess what it comes down to is whether or not I'm satisfied when I look in the mirror and see the person looking back at me. For the most part, I guess I am. Which is so different from a year ago. I guess I've matured in the sense that I've realized what is realistic to expect of myself and to let go of things that are totally out of my control. But despite all that, I still have my little neurotic moments where I freak out and start obsessing about all the things I'm not. I'm happy to say that those are fewer now than they've ever been.

I don't really know what the point of this post is...I guess I'm just proving that I think too much. But if you know me, you already knew that so...I guess I'm not telling you anything new or exciting. Too bad...I like exciting people.

...not that way...get your mind out of the gutter...

The Top of the Food Chain

You know what bothers me? Manipulative, sneaky, and selfish children. Actually, manipulative, sneaky and selfish people in general. But especially children. Because I feel like they shouldn't be that way since they're so young and supposedly so pure as well. I don't mind rowdy, goofy, or silly kids. Sure, sometimes they make the classroom a lot more chaotic and give you a headache with their extremely loud voices (children don't seem to understand that when you're standing right next to someone, there's no need to yell) but at the end of the day, they're just being kids. No harm, no foul. But if they lie. That bothers me. A lot. That is the quickest way to get on my bad side.

The sad thing is, it's probably those kids who bother me so much (aka- the sneaky ones) who are going to be at the top of the food chain so to speak when they get older. It might be a slightly depressing view of the world but I've noticed, the best way to get ahead is to manipulate situations, step on other people, and avoid the truth at all costs. I guess that's why I don't think I'd make it in corporate America. Not to say that I'm such a great person. I'm just incapable of being underhanded and manipulative because I'm too transparent. Most of the time you just have to look at my face to know exactly what I'm thinking or planning. In my experience, that has been much more of a curse than a blessing but who knows. Maybe there is someone out there who will find my transparency intriguing and not try to take advantage of it. Right...I'm not very optimistic.

They blocked xanga.....

I think they're onto me. Slowly but surely, the havens I have online that I reserve specifically for procrastination while I'm at work are being blocked. On Friday I was dismayed to find that they had blocked facebook. No more randomly poking people and/or looking at newly updated profiles. But I survived. I still had xanga. Until today. Bastards. So here I am...on blogspot. At least now my friends who see my blog and want to leave comments but don't want to join an online community can actually leave comments (unlike on xanga). That sounds like a more legitimate reason to switch...but really...I just need to waste time at work to make my day feel complete.

I've been feeling minorly retarded lately. It's sort of strange. I feel like I'm in some kind of haze. I think it's just leftover ickiness from when I was sick. The only other explanation is the 151 I drank on Saturday that could have possibly killed a few million of my brain cells. That's not too bad. They regenerate right? For some reason I have the urge to reassure myself with the words "don't worry, it'll grow back."

I'm gonna start my satined glass club at ASP today. The parents of my kids seem to think I'm some kind of artist. They are obviously too used to seeing 6 year old drawings because for the most part, I can't draw anything much more complicated than a stick figure. I do arts and crafts. Like basic stuff that I can teach 5-7 year olds how to do. An artist that does not make.

Blah...today is one of those days where I'm rethinking my desire to have children one day. If only smacking kids into next week were still allowed. I kid. But on some days (like today), I'm kidding less than usual. =P