It's 3:51 am again. I'm awake watching Revenge of the Nerds and trying to convince my parents NOT to go to North Korea tomorrow. Yes, my parents want to go hiking in North Korea. Good plan? I think not. I've had a bad feeling about it all day. Tummy aches, chest hurts...and I tend to take my bad feelings pretty seriously. So...here's hoping my dad stops being stubborn...we'll see...

Insomnia is crap...

Yeah...it's 3:51 am...and I'm still awake. I swear, the less I have to do, the less I sleep. It's some weird sort of backwards logic.

Not working has been pretty tough on me. Yeah yeah, I know, having a vacation is a luxury most people don't have. I've heard it before...many times, from many people. But I function best when there's routine in my life. My therapist (no, I'm not a psycho...I was just uhh...confused =P) used to tell me that I needed to have some kind of routine so I don't get depressed. I haven't spoken to her in years (there comes a time when everyone needs to be without someone they pay to listen to them...) but that piece of advice has always stayed with me. Maybe that's why I nearly killed myself with activities in HS. Who knows...

I never thought I'd miss working honestly. Until I realized I have absolutely nothing to do with my time now. And I realize I get kinda annoying when I'm whining about being bored and not having anything to do (yes J and E, that was directed at both of you) but...ehh...I can't help it. I spend more time on the phone than is healthy (if cellphones really do cause tumors, I'm a goner) and I take walks with no real destination almost daily. But that's really about it. I am lame...it's true.

I was talking to my friend today and we were reminiscing about HS and all the crazy shit we used to do. It's strange, it feels like another life. It's like I was a different person back then. Not just because I was kinda insecure and possibly much more unstable but because it seemed like my personality was very different. I never really noticed myself changing because I guess it was gradual but I am very different now than I was. For one, I'm much less bitchy. My friends from back then can't imagine me being described as "too nice" but I am. I think the quote was "yeah, that still boggles the mind that T "oh shit, you're in the dog house now" G is too nice". K has a way of articulating things. Strange strange...

Perhaps the bitchy me needs to come back. It seems as though bitchy people get what they want more often than non-bitchy ones. At least that's what I remember. Must practice "whatever" look and tone of voice. Hrrmm...

Yes, I'm babbling...maybe it's time for bed...

Blah...

That's right...blah.

You ever have those days when you just feel like...I dunno...like you're worth nothing? Yeah...that's how I feel. As though no one would really notice if I wasn't here.

Yeah...that about sums up how I feel right at this moment.

*Sob*...

And the year is over...

I'm sadder than I thought I'd be...*sigh*...no more little kiddies. Whatever will I do with my time?

It's dawning on me that this is my last week working here. On the one hand, I'm happy I won't have to wake up at 6 am anymore. I'm not a morning person. But on the other hand, I know I'm gonna miss the kids a lot. I know I bitch about them but...I love my job and the kids are a huge part of that.

To steal a line from D, "How will I feel loved without a cute small person to sit in my lap everyday?"

I suppose I could get myself into a functional relationship for once in my life. Hahahahahaha...like that'll ever happen. Okay, maybe that statement isn't quite that funny. But still. Ha. I laugh at my life. It's much easier that way.